The Pictish Trail

Label Manager of Fence Records.

The Health & Beauty Questionnaire.

How do you keep in shape?

My shape regularly changes on account of my horrendous diet and a distinct lack of physical exercise. There’s bits of flab everywhere. I do my best to try and mould my flab as much as possible by wearing incredibly tight trousers. That keeps everything in place, at least. Also, I find that sitting in the same position all day helps. Although it does mean the shape of my bottom is flatter than my stomach.

What’s the first thing you do in the morning, health&beauty-wise?

I look at myself in the mirror whilst urinating. It’s like a staring competition. I try not to blink before I finish, which is a lot more difficult than you’d expect. My mother always told me it was very unhealthy to hold in urine, so I consider this an healthy activity.

What’s the thing that you do that forces you to launch an intensive counter-attack to rescue your skin?

I have literally no idea what this means. I probably squeeze my pores too much, if that’s what you’re getting at. My nose is fast becoming a golfball.

You have a whole day – and an unlimited budget – to treat yourself. What do you do?

It depends what day of the week it is. I currently live on the remote island of Eigg, located within the inner Hebrides of Scotland. The ferry to the mainland only goes 3 days a week, and that’s only if the weather is calm. If i’m stuck on Eigg it doesn’t matter how much money i have, there’s not an awful lot to buy from the local shop. I think that’s what I like about living here. If I’m being honest, I’d probably just go and get drunk in the tearoom.

What is the healthiest food you can possibly imagine?

Pomegranates are meant to be good for you, right? They’re like a süper-food or something. I don’t really know what that means. I think if I had pomegranate on its own my body wouldn’t know how to react. So I think the healthiest thing I can imagine having would be pomegranate ice cream. I’d be tricking my body by having something unhealthy and yum, see? Meanwhile I’m getting all the süper-goodness from the pomegranate. Take that, body! We’ll lose this 20 stone by Christmas!

The unhealthiest food you wish you weren’t compelled to eat?

My boogers.

The biggest failure you had to face as far as style is concerned?

I was once told that if you like a pair of trousers you should buy two pairs, so that you can wear a pair while the other pair are in the wash. So I went and bought two pairs of skinny black jeans. Took them back home and discovered neither pair fitted. That was a hard day.

If you could ask one fashion star to design clothes for you, who would it be?

The George range at Asda sells millions, right? Is George a person? Man, imagine having a range of clothes in supermarkets up and down the country! I think I’d go for that, as long as I had a stake in the profits.

Filed In: Music

February 17, 2012 at 8:00 am